4 months ago, it was a total different picture. I was just like everyone. Awaken to lots of problems. Problems from work, problems from the family, problems from the car, problems from the house, problems from the government, problems, problems and problems. I was like.. okay... alrite.. back to bed.
Every morning when I woke up, I would hear the birds chirping away happily outside my window. It is one of the best sound to awake to. I would, then, lie in bed, waiting for my mind to awake fully.
4 months ago, it was a total different picture. I was just like everyone. Awaken to lots of problems. Problems from work, problems from the family, problems from the car, problems from the house, problems from the government, problems, problems and problems. I was like.. okay... alrite.. back to bed.
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As soon as one is born, one starts dying. - LUIGI PIRANDELLO, Henry IV This is one subject which is a taboo to talk about. My parents forbid me to talk about it. My friends forbid me to talk about it. I can imagine one of close friends giving me long lectures why I shouldn't talk about death. "Why are you talking about dying? Are you going to die? No, you shouldn't talk about death. It is not good. You have so many things to do. You got your family, your friends ..." and the list would go on. Death is frightening. Death is bad. Death is sad. Death is black. Yucks.. don't you talk to me about dying. Even the picture of death is somewhat frightening. With all the negative things being attached to death, no wonder people is afraid of death, afraid of dying. For them, death is the ending, death is suffering and death is frightening. This past few days, I have been under the weather with this flu caused by haze. It is not the flu that dampens my mood. It's the changes in a relationship that made me pondered a lot of things which really questions my believes and principles.
For the past few months, I have grown fond of a friend of mine. We started of just as acquaintance. Eventually, we become friends. We would exchange SMS or drop messages in FB frequently everyday. I love to make her laugh. She enjoyed my small jokes. We would exchange advises. There would never a day whereby there wouldn't be any exchanges of message. All of the sudden, it changed. She would no longer answer my message. It is as though she has cut off all communication with me. This has left me bewildered. I was looking forward for this year's birthday because I wanted to do something special, something which I never do before. I wanted to spend the whole day doing charity / community work. I got things planned days in advanced. Even when I was given threat of being thrown at with eggs and flour, I would never back down from it. Like previous years, I would give gifts to selected person so as to say thank you, love and appreciation to them. This year, I have selected 3 persons - the cat lover, BigBro and 'Green'. What did I give? Hahaha.. for me and them to know.
Just as I am about to leave the house, I was stopped in my tracks. I felt a sudden calmness over me. My steps have become slow and I can feel my heart beat has slowed down. It was nice feeling. It was like I am in my own little garden where I am the only person there except him. He is not that big-hearted guy, Pete nor is he my Big Bro Raymie. I bet all of you can't guess who is he. Perhaps Raymie and Azizul would know with me mentioning a garden and a guy.. Ring a bell??!!
There were days when I would feel pretty down and depressed. On these days, the sky would dull and grey, the ground would be hard to walk on and the world would be colorless. As for me, I would love to find 'hole in the ground to hide' or if I am among friends, I would be moody or irritable. It is not a wonderful feeling. If I allow it to continue, it would slowly consumes me and I would be lost forever. HOWEVER....... It would be nice if you read this while listening to this song. - J
Do you you have anyone in your life whom you hate or can't bear to see that person or even to hear about the person's name?
Well, I do. I have a lot, starting from A until Z. Well, just joking... hahahaha In the last few months, my list of persons whom I hate have grown. When you hate people, won't you feel that you are slowly turning into another person full of anger, your blood pressure will go up, your hair will be in disarray, you will develop pimples, you want to have your revenge, you will be stress out, everything you see will turn into black colored things and when you can't get your revenge, sad, lost of hope and depression will set in? Have you ever been hurt so many times that you have lost counts? You are only hurt once but by reliving that hurt memories, you are hurt over and over again. So, not wanting to get hurt, be positive, mindfulness, kind, compassionate and not to relive the hurt memories over and over again. A few weeks back, some misunderstanding had hurt me. I was being played out. What should be a 5 persons trip to Penang had became a 3 persons trip because 2 of them had pulled out at the last minute.
The trip was based on the mutual understanding that they would go. If they told me earlier that they don't want to go then I wouldn't have gone through the trouble of arranging the trip and to fork out extra money for that trip. Although apology was handed out but it was without sincerity. I had accepted the play out by them because I understand I don't want to relive that awful hurt again. |
AuthorI am a human being, still living, trying to gain wisdom and mind still. Archives
January 2013
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